Southern Utah News Articles
Ol' Crankcase - older than Moses
Some people have a real purpose in life. Others sort of drift through life aimlessly like a cork on a placid stream. Bill Erickson, don’t drown out there in mid-channel.
Want to know how old Ol’ Crankcase is? Well, he taught middle school librarian Rhonda Button when she was in the sixth grade in Parowan. That pre-dates Moses. Dealie Reese was around when the earth was cooling and Ol’ Crank is five years older than Dealie. If wisdom comes with age, Ol’ Crank ought to be one smart son of a gun.
Cody Brunner moonlights as a dress shop mannequin. . . in ladies’ apparel.
Lyle Heyborne, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “If you had another hand, you’d need another pocket to put it in.”
Lynn Button, you have the value of what the little boy shot at, “A handful of nothing.” I guess that’s why I like you. Emily Dickinson summed us both up: “I’m a nobody. Who are you? Are you a nobody, too?”
Representative Mike Noel, if you have any brains at all, they’re the color of mustard and have the consistency of silly putty or lime Jell-O.
Dilworth Perkins, you’re not particularly fat (except between the ears), so how come every time I come through rehab to check on the Babe, you’re gorging that belly, cramming food into your mouth like there will a famine tomorrow? Eating like that, you should weigh three gross tons. Come to think of it, you are gross.
Still on the subject of Dilworth (what a rotten subject), going through rehab on Sunday, I again saw Dil feeding his face. I said to the others, who were women, “Don’t you ever get tired of Dil taking up so much of your time?”
One young lady, Teresa Bishoff, smiled and purred, “Oh, we don’t mind Dil. He’s just one of the girls.” Well, that certainly puts things in perspective, Teresa. Ol’ Dil just one of the girls, eh?
Last night I was watching a rerun of The Wizard of Oz. When I heard the Scarecrow lament to Dorothy, “I haven’t got a brain. Only straw,” I immediately thought of you, son-in-law, John Meanea. It’s even moldy straw.
Telling Rory Brunner to use a little intelligence is like telling legendary Willie Sutton to stop robbing banks. Sorry, Lila.
In a drawer full of razor sharp steak knives, Kyle Brunner, you’re the butter knife.
I listened to you play the piano the other day, Kortney Stirland. You don’t care much for music, do you?
Dennis Brunner says Dixie doesn’t fix much pasta these days. She believes it’s cruel to drop spaghetti into boiling water.
Dealie Reese says if cannibalism were legal, he’d try it.
The Babe is so pious; she refuses to use a Dust Devil vacuum.
I’m wondering about Dennis Brunner. He thinks criminals can elude law enforcement by fleeing to the International House of Pancakes (IHOP).
Just as Larry is short for Lawrence, Gary is short for Gawrence. Right, Gary Glover?
Byard Kershaw says he burns 19 calories just giving someone the finger. You could lose that finger, Byard.
Recently, scientists have announced they have created an acid so strong it will eat through anything. Coach Arlyn Hafen wants to know what they’re going to keep it in. Saw Coach at Kanab rehab, yesterday, following his hip surgery. Coach, your body’s fine. It’s your mind that needs rehab.
Cleve Bushnells’ looks once stopped a speeding locomotive. Think what it would have done to a Volkswagon!
Two words for you, Jim Ott . . . Dummy Up!
Kyle Brunner, if you were in the military, I’d sponsor you for a medal . . . the purple shaft with the barbed wire cluster.
Wave to Ol’ Blue, folks. Ol’ Crank? He’s a strict vegetarian. . . therefore, he won’t even play Go Fish.